“An ode to forgetting “

We aim for freedom. Freedom is the power to speak, act, and think as one wants. This power can be misused and cause anarchy if exercised without discipline. Discipline forms the foundation of freedom. Freedom does not mean restriction. It is a tool that can empower and separate clarity from chaos to the discerning eye, like chalk from cheese. This freedom to think that everything around you is under your control is deception. A mirage of your own mind’s creation. Because ‘it is all in the mind’. Your memory of ‘stuff’ stored to be used in an opportune moment. Won’t it be great if we are not trapped in our thoughts and are free from memories which clogs our brain?

Forgetfulness should be practiced as it allows the brain to prioritize information, prevent overload of information. It is the frontline strategy to enable better functioning, allows us to manage our lives better. Forgetfulness can also be challenging at times.

Forgetfulness is normal as we age. I can’t remember the names of most of my students leading to hilarious situations when they meet me after graduating. It is easy for me to forget and forgive easily, which makes my soul sister Annu Abraham roll up her eyes heavenwards, as it may cause people take advantage of my niceness she says. I believe her. I was worried if this forgetfulness is normal. I remember anything connected to my work but other things takes an effort, like remembering birthdays! Just today I called up my brother Ashvin and wished him for his birthday, which is tomorrow! I am worried that I might just forget! My son Arjun is on a constant patience reminding mode with me. But what if I forget everything or everyone!

I was thinking about this and was surprised to see an article of forgetfulness in Times of India recently. That set me to think more. It says forgetfulness is fine and normal. Like entering a class room and forgetting why you are there. But if the room and the students look unfamiliar, then, it is a cause of serious concern. That article is worth a read.

So, what if you lost your memory for a while? What if! Just think!

And suppose you have no memory of who you are! You have no idea of your family or relationships, nor the hard work you may have put into achieving your goals. Because now you don’t remember your goals! Your name, which identifies you, doesn’t even make you turn your head when you are called out. There is no connection at all. You don’t recollect your favorite food nor are you sure how to cook them. There is a question on your mind whether you have even tasted the dishes offered to you. The situation is such that even the close family members are beyond the memory radar. And there is just endless wilderness, emptiness. You had nurtured this persona in your mind and it is all in the mind! Maybe if you forget yourself you will find peace!

You wanted to cultivate the best habits which keep you looking young and the best education to reach the zenith of your careers. All the awards and rewards won over the years stand in an orderly manner on the showcase. You have stored these moments in a special pocket of your brain, and you don’t mind dipping into them multiple times each day, to just remind yourself of their existence. You hold yourself in high esteem. You don’t accept people who don’t align with you. You take that as a sign of disorderliness in your carefully curated orderly life. All these chaotic thoughts will now evaporate, once you have forgotten everything. So, does this matter anymore, does it matter who does or doesn’t align with you? With your “me-ness” severely compromised, maybe you will be more acceptable!

If you can’t remember, you can’t separate foes from friends, they are all just people to you. You used to laugh at others but rarely on yourself. You laughed at the people’s simpleness. But now your loss of memory has evened out everything, ironed out all the uneven bumps of life. You laugh unreservedly. You will respond to everyone who approaches you without any preconceived opinions. You don’t judge people by your past experiences. The interactions will be unpretentious, connections fresh and without rules, laughter more genuine. Maybe by forgetting yourself you have become more empathetic!

We have given a lion’s share to building relationships, a career, grooming our appearances till only these define us. We should know ourselves better. It’s all on the mind anyway! Maybe, if you don’t remember what and why people say things, you will never give power to others to hurt you! You will always be on a happy plane. Mindfulness doesn’t mean a mind full of thoughts. It means seeing everything with soft focus lens. Consciousness of your surroundings, yourself and yet being detached from forceful connection is mindfulness. Probably after we stop minding, we can become more mindful!

We invest heavily in our external environment, but didn’t care to use our resources to build an anchor to hold us safe in the ocean called life. “When will we begin our journey to reach ourselves?” asked the famous poet Rumi. Revered Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev has said that neither the body nor the mind belongs to us. Then what makes us? Are we not real, do we not exist? Are we just a part of what our mind tells us? There is more to us than what we see. What is not seen is actually more important. And that is our soul.

They are the ways your soul communicates with you. Your soul’s ultimate desire is to have you expand and become your authentic self. We need to connect with our spirit and that journey is the reason why we are here. When you understand that…

The body nor the mind belongs to you, you finally become a reality!

“Don’t worry that the children never listen to you: Worry that they are always watching you.”

Did you know that children learn by observing you?

The caption of my blog are profound words by Robert Fulghum. And I would like to begin my blog with a quote from Tim Elmore, founder of Growing Leaders, a nonprofit organization in Atlanta and he said “We must prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” Something that we should think deeply about and I am writing some experiences based on these very thought provoking quotes.

Now let us imagine this scene: Boys…. 10 to 12 years old…. on cycles. Racing each other around your gated community path. Screaming instructions at each other and joyful hoots following each scream. All are dressed in fun clothes and have smart watches strapped on their wrists. They turn around the blocks and are once again at the starting point, which is just near a balcony. There is greenery around with lots of trees and the children love to rest at this point as it is cooler. Watching them and absorbing their happiness and energy can be a pleasurable pass time for most, including me. Their freedom and joie de vivre, is what we all must have experienced at that age ourselves. Furiously peddling and expertly maneuvering from oncoming delivery vehicles, pick up cabs and residents; these young ones fill the community with their mischievousness and sometimes maladroit banter.

As evening approaches the sky turns dusky, the sun is warm and about to set. The boys had been cycling furiously and now parked the bikes near the green spot to take some rest. Taking sips of water from their bottles, they got busy chatting. One such exchange between the young tweens went like this:

Boy 1: See I got a new smart watch (others bring their bikes closer to have a look).

Boy 2: (Putting the bike on stand, with a look of utmost concern) Your watch doesn’t have all the features. Must not be the latest. Look at my watch, I can do much more! (rest of the boys have look at Boy 1’s watch more carefully).

Here, I must add that I am not an owner of any smart watch, so have minimal idea what specialty is required to make a gadget smart! I always thought the person who created it must be smart. I still do. As a scientist I always feel that people are smart not their creations. I have my Dad’s watch which I wear and it is precious for me. Smart watches have many pros I know but they tend to compress the median nerve and can cause carpal tunnel syndrome, let alone the EMR and other radiations are not good for us in the long run. But we are addicted to them as they can ‘monitor us’ better. We are subservient to technology in the most interesting ways that we rarely see people with their heads up. Most have their heads bowed down looking with awe at these tiny wonders. I see sheer reverence in our eyes towards the gadgets we own. They make us happy! How can children be any different? [Many European countries are bringing in strict rules to keep children away from gadgets till old enough]

Let us get back to the discussion!

Boy 3: Your watch looks very cool, must be expensive.

Boy 2: Yes! It is 48, 000/-₹ and we have 3 smarter iPhone watches at home!

Boy 4: That’s nothing, I have a smart watch which is 700 USD at home (immediately the boys did the conversion into rupee currency, and I was impressed).

Boy 5: That’s nothing, I have 5 iPads at home and my dad has promised me the latest Nintendo Switch game devise on my birthday. (I had to Google this word and understand better). My birthday is the day after tomorrow and my mom will be inviting you all. You must come!

Boy 2: (Getting on to the bike) we will; but better give us good return gifts. (I could almost sympathize with the poor parents; the pressure is huge!)

Boy 4: I was thinking if we could have Mac’D or Dominos for the party, what do you say?

Boy 5: I will tell my mom that we should have these for the party then.

All race off again, and I am left pondering over this conversation.

We all struggle as parents. We worry if we are setting the right role model for them. Are we as parents giving the right set of values to the children, we often wonder. Let me inform you that, at this level, we have these young life players observing us closely and thinking at all times- “should I give this coach permission to teach me?”

You just don’t hear them saying this aloud!

Modeling new clothes, devices or latest vehicles can be cast aside. Nothing compares to modelling values. A child can learn by mere observation. If the child sees parents who are honest, considerate and use words with care, they emulate them. Empathy, respect, honesty, gratitude, responsibility, kindness, perseverance, courage and care are just a few of the values that we need to practice. It becomes a daunting task as years pass, if the values are not instilled as they grow up. They need to be talked to about ethics, self-control and fairness too. This can be easily inculcated if the child takes up sports. Sports teaches them fair play, team spirit, helps build social connections, develop leadership skills and these are just a few. Just imagine if these life skills are inculcated from early age under the guidance of trained professionals, it helps the parents immensely. They can protect themselves from harm and wrong situations without even us being present. Values are not just to be read but to be practiced. Then they are ready for life!

I have made terrible mistakes as a parent and I still do sometimes, but the occurrences are rare now. It may be due to me not engaging in every situation unless warranted. Also, I have tried to analyze these mistakes and evolve my parenting style, and there isn’t any style! I am learning from my mistakes even now. I realized early that I shouldn’t be a helicopter parent. I can’t fight my son’s battles for him and he chooses them carefully! I don’t try to smoothen out his options, not make a path ready for him to walk on. Mistakes are okay and honored as a learning tool. Our opinion of people or our earnings are never discussed in conversations at home. Gifts is well deserved and not an entitlement. Teaching him the value of what money can buy is something I still push on every chance. We can’t stop the online information that tantalizes the senses and makes us rush to the online purchase app. But exercising prudence is better. Teach them that NO is a not just a word, it is a complete sentence.

Generation zee/alpha/ beta are not what we see them as, they have/ will have an opinion. They have to have reasons given to them and will definitely be questioning you about everything. Answers are easy for them, as they have answers just a click away. They, therefore need better monitoring at home. We should have answers and not brush the questions as inane. Nurture their curiosity and help them develop critical thinking. It is important who they go to for answers, and I hope it is you!

Now before I forget, making the child accountable is critical. It helps them take responsibility of their actions. I have not been able to prevent my child getting angry if anyone insults his country, his family or school/college, but I have made him understand that a response is a better choice than a reaction. Also the sport that he excels in, has made him practice that it will never be him to take that first step to set the figures right! That is immense practice of self-control.

Children are your mirror images. By the time you realize that it not a good image you see in the mirror, it’s too late. So rather than focusing on giving them gadgets or expensive toys, focus on giving them your time. Don’t stretch your finances, stretch your arms out towards them and embrace them. Because they will outgrow the toys and gadgets but also won’t remember you. As they never felt your presence all these years. Just as you secure their future, secure yours too.

I will leave you with a few interesting quotes!

“The thing about parenting rules is that there aren’t any! That makes it so difficult.” – Ewan McGregor

“Do you then that you can even teach a child? You cannot. A child teaches himself or herself”- Swami Vivekananda

Marriage is more work than you thought!

We had an opportunity to attend commemoration of a momentous occasion few weeks back. The 60^th birthday celebration of my husband Pravin’s friend Prakash and his wife Ammini. The people born in 1960-64 are called the baby-boomers and after that from 1965-1979 Gen X. I am an X’ian. The BB generation are happy with their greys, have saved plentiful and had either retired early to enjoy life or retired on time and are planning to enjoy freedom from grinding work schedules. Travelling to exotic places may be on their itinerary or joining yoga/ Vedic classes/ travel in groups to happening places in India. Anything is possible for gen BB. Ammini has started taking Odissi dance classes at Nityagram.

This happy celebration we were invited for, also meant that the occasion would have a Sashtipoorthy marriage ceremony too! As per the Vedic culture this ceremony is to be performed exactly on the zodiac date when the man turns 61 years old. That was the landmark age of survival for men (long back). The occasion also marks the possibility of the grand family and friends’ reunion and planning is always done with much gaiety. The couple’s children and grandchildren if any are at the helm of preparations to conduct the Sastipoorthy marriage. The couple get to renew their marriage vows (with some changes in the rituals) of course!

We had to travel to a temple hall at Halasuru for the ceremony followed by lunch. A dazzling spectacle of nine yards Kanchivaram saris was seen to be believed. The lunch was sit down and the menu spread over continents as one of the couple’s children were married and lived overseas. There was a mixture of menu choices with grandchildren’s favorite dishes like pasta and bruschetta jostling for space with morkolzambu, kosambari, sambhar and rasam. There was an apple strudel and blueberry cheesecake seducing poor me to choose over paladda payasa and holigé! With the enticing aroma of puliyogré and vegetable pulao, I was in heaven.

After enjoying the rituals of the ceremony, we were chatting up with the hosts while waiting to be served. Ammini asked her husband if he would like to eat pasta. “Do you like its taste” she asked Prakash. A young man with a small baby sitting a little further from us chipped in without being a part of this conversation. He said to Ammini “After so many years of marriage you still do not know what Uncle likes or not?”, a tad impudently. There was silence for a few minutes, and I was thinking what would be the response of our friends to this uncalled-for comment.

After a pause Prakash spoke and told him that he was happy that his wife still asks him his likes and dislikes even though she knows them well. She doesn’t take him for granted. He is not a part of the furniture even after 37 years of marriage! Just in case he wants to try something new, she is in tune with him. There is nothing wrong with it and should not be mocked he responded wisely. But you should learn that at this age they are trying to understand each other even more! That makes a marriage interesting, he added.

Ammini who is more active on social media, responded by saying that marriages are played on social media now and couple goals are trumpeted as a report card which must be shown to the onlookers as proof of getting good grades! She said that their generation goals were different. Although the main goals in marriage remain the same, such as emotional intimacy, supporting each other’s personal and professional growth, and learning to lean on each other more than outside of marriage, the rush to achieve certain level of appreciation from online friends was not there. Most marriages lasted long and that means, accepting each other’s fallacies, being able to forgive and respecting each other’s views. She added that marriage must have layers (reminded me of an onion). One layer at a time needs to be unraveled and savored. Knowing everything immediately and gloating about it is just so typical of the new generation relationships. Once bored there is nothing to sustain a relationship. Short term gratification is the root cause of failure of many relationships which could be handled better than believing and accepting standards set by the people who oftentimes present an unrealistic version of their life to others.

This became my kernel of new insight. Elders sharing wisdom is a blessing. I believe in these thoughts too! These were golden words to me. As we grow older, we neglect our partners. So communication is the key here. Only when you prioritize your family, give respect,can you expect respect in return. Talking freely, constructively on important or trivial issues is important. It has been noticed that once children grow older and get busy with their lives the conversations between couples vanish, a spouse may suddenly feel that he/she is now stuck with a partner he/she hardly knows! When I say conversations, I need to add that words are for free so they mean nothing until it matches with action. Since most of the disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences in lifestyle, personality, or values, a change in the same is always the savior. However real changes always takes thought and effort, so be careful to choose at least your word well.

Did you know that marriage is a verb not a noun? Its a per the psycologists and I agree. You can read it up in the link provided.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/moments-matter/202101/marriage-is-verb-not-noun

Marriage: It’s not something you get but something you do! So it is definitely a verb! Teamwork defines a marriage which has to be based on mutual respect, grace and understanding when and where to draw the line. So maturity and insights are great motivators of change in any person.

As someone famously said and I quote” Get married ONLY if you want to and can see yourself with that person forever. Otherwise, treasure your independence.”

“No one has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

“Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” said Katharine Hepburn

Because in a marriage it’s not even about you!

Tea bag!

Its all about women or any person like me. I am writing about this person close to my soul. I know her well. Maybe it is me!

There are situations which women or people get into without even trying. As we grow older and learn how to negotiate the sometimes treacherous path to adulthood we lean heavily on teachings of our parents, grandparents, family and friends. Later on our children, if altruistic, can also send well meaning words of advice. We remember how parents protected us from harm and kept us at arms length from people who can cause harm. As we move on, these lessons should be remembered. If you have seen mostly good and had an easy/privileged life growing up, you tend to think that all people are good. You believe in the general goodness of people. But there is now a rudimentary shift!

You spend 35+long years of your life in the safe cocoon of the academia, and have been the building block for students to move into higher realms of learning. You as a person love interacting with them youth and encourage them to go and achieve success just like you did. Listening is an art and the person I am writing for, has honed it to a fine point. Sharp and precise. Still loves to talk with everyone and be a part of any conversation except politics or money as she has scant idea or is uncomfortable with the same. Her honesty is unquestionable and you have the courage to call a spade a spade. She is passionate about healthy environment and it could be any! Your disinterest in politics is so deep that even when you meet famous young gen-politicians who were your students, you prefer to talk about food, family or movies! You don’t want to own seats of power, you don’t want to control others, manipulations as such is not much that she cares about. Such dispassionate approach towards seats of power, control is surprising! Now will there be a more rehearsed separation from such people who can send discrepant vibes? Will there is a radical shift!

Women are like tea bags: you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water, said Ingrid Bergman!

Life is lived on short spans now . Is each day is determined by the media? Nothing is deleted from any app my friends! There is a way media has to be handled. Harmful stereotypes, which has opened up a plethora of how not to use words both as text/ pictures etc have and will need a serious and deep looking into. If it becomes a major challenge to women empowerment because of someone using personally degrading terms, objectify for personal enjoyment, suggesting unreal representation of people for vindication are all now under the scanner. As these fabricated proclamations can cause emotional and mental anguish. When you meet such situations, life’s learning comes in to play. Close friends and family rally around and words of advice embraces you, tells you to be on the qui vive. A safe bet for sure and she will be exercising it. But then will is person have to make a change, will there be a psyche shift?

Having said that, if calling a spade a spade in these pretentious times can be taken as a virtue, if listening to people and finding happiness within oneself and in happiness of others taken as qualities, then we can learn more about oneself. Besmirching a reputation should not even be a choice. As commonly noticed by psychologists children who are bullied become bullies. So if we inculcate better online habits of control on ones opinion, life online can be a safe one especially if the person harmed is a women. Law I am sure doesn’t take it very lightly. Disrespect is a shaky ground to build ones life! So for a woman the most courageous act is to think for yourself. Aloud. So, now will there be a conceptual shift?

I don’t think so! Like Malala Yousafzai said and I quote” We understand the importance of our voices only when we are silenced” Or sometimes .. ” mounam vidvaana bhushanam”!

The joys of an empty nest!

Since long we, that is Pravin and me, have been requesting our son Arjun to shift to a hostel or at least a PG (paying guest) accommodation. This is only because of the distance he has to travel to reach his university where he is currently pursuing a bachelor’s degree. Due to his unfounded worry that we might need him around due to some emergencies, he was avoiding it.

We used to broach the topic to keep our focus on and we were looking at it very seriously. It was about time! But this man wouldn’t budge. One fine day Arjun’s close friend informed him of a vacancy in a PG where he was himself residing. And the visit to the place was positive as they offered safe and clean residence with delicious, wholesome four square meals! To add some bonus, most of his batch mates were close by and could meet up each day for combined studies or going out to chill. This made us sign up immediately and Arjun moved out the very next week.

Now let us look at the pros and cons of children moving out of home. The fundamentals of parenting begin with the birth of the child and the universe we build around it. Almost all our decisions are within the periphery of the child and the family. Each step of individualization of the child therein impacts the parents too. The intensity with which they cross each milestone and move into their teens is unbelievable. The rest of the race is just a haze. The speed with which 20’s was reached has had me panting wearily. And now with my son moving out of home, we have an empty nest.

Empty nesting, as I call it, is a milestone like no other. Every parent’s experience is unique and special. For the children it means independence, which is important in the development process. Taking decisions on his own, willingness to take risks and learning from them, looking after one’s own needs independently and learning from these experiences will build his character. The child will learn to create healthy boundaries, learn to respect others’ space and privacy and generally fend for themselves. We have told him of our family simple rules and that we would not accept a few things and I think it does not need to necessarily be repeated all the time. Being safe is the most important rule.

We as parents are clued into his routine even now and give him a patient hearing when he has somethings to share. He has a schedule which is packed with classes and activities, project submissions and exams and we like to hear about them each day. He is very caring and we respect that of him. Arjun is known to make good friends who bond with him over food, sports, music and movies in the correct order. His friends in the community we stay in miss him and are constantly in touch, showing that they care and that is of immense solace to us.

Are we missing his presence at home? Of course we are! Arjun has asked this question several times already. We do miss him around and the house suddenly looks bigger and empty. No dirty laundry piles up each day, no socks thrown randomly all around the house, no untimely lunches and midnight snacks with Dad, no hugs for mom when she is just getting to sleep and making me wide awake again, knowing fully well that I have difficulty in going back to sleep ( woe betide), no more guys trooping in and out of home, no more sudden cooking in the kitchen with videos learnt from Instagram, no more forcing to eat food fast and not look at the phone while eating, no more interruptions when I am either reading or doing something important, no more need to supply unlimited food and no more cuddles each day from a 6 foot plus gentle giant.

But we are going great here, hubby and me! It is time for us to focus on sudden travel decisions without arranging for anything at home. Guilt free! Looking at ourselves after so many years and rethinking our day is very exciting. Personally, I would like to invest more time taking care of myself, my home and husband. Work on my laptop without getting up midway to make dosa! Spend time reading without interruption, cooking only if it requires or just do with leftovers! Spend time watching TV without the channels changing suddenly! These are well deserved perks of my life right now!

I feel that our temperament and perspective on life influences our reactions to situations. We could either be optimistic, realistic or pessimistic towards change. How effortlessly we move into or accept change determines our success in crossing obstacles or situations. It defines you.

Things will constantly change until we are horizontal. Even an electrogram image on an ECG machine turns flat if the life and energy is dwindling from the source. Accepting change is the way to go. So it is better to refocus on rediscovering oneself, connecting in a more chemical way with your spouse, getting to understand to let us forgive and build a better and more fulfilling new parenting goals. Letting go of regret and what was not done but concentrating on meaningful positive imaging. No parent reading this is faultless, we need to let go of low self esteem and negativity and build more resolve to look at ourselves. It means embracing yourself, in a more surreal way and believe in self-actualization separate from your children.

I think that this new development is more of a pivot than a final stop. I got to look at an empty nest not as a syndrome but a new chapter mindset. Appreciate all good memories and make some more as days go by. If I am happy, I can pass that on to my son. So do new things, learn a new skill and learn not to feel guilty to having all the house to yourself. Embrace silence and welcome some quiet!

In Srimad Bhagwad Gita there are three shlokas on parenting skills. One of them I am posting with a translation.

śhrī-bhagavān uvācha

abhayaṁ sattva-sanśhuddhir jñāna-yoga-vyavasthitiḥ

dānaṁ damaśh cha yajñaśh cha svādhyāyas tapa ārjavam

ahinsā satyam akrodhas tyāgaḥ śhāntir apaiśhunam

dayā bhūteṣhv aloluptvaṁ mārdavaṁ hrīr achāpalam

tejaḥ kṣhamā dhṛitiḥ śhaucham adroho nāti-mānitā

bhavanti sampadaṁ daivīm abhijātasya bhārata

Here as Arjuna looks at Lord Krishna to understand values better Lord Krishna says: Parents need to cultivate these human values of freedom and gratitude as a part of their spiritual journey. These qualities go a long way in the character building of their own children. Children start reflecting on these virtues and will imbibe these qualities when they see their parents living them.

The Zamorin in me

There is somethings I can change in myself like taking care of my health better, more patience in suffering fools or stop unnecessary procrastination in dealing with things which needs immediate remedy. Few things I can’t change like my genes ( jeans I can change but genes I cannot; pun intended) is what I want to tell you about. In this blog, I am planning to write about a community not very well known now but had a very powerful standing from 1124 till 1806. Called Zamorin or Samoodri or Samanthas, they were the erstwhile rulers of the kingdom of Eranad, the south Malabar region of India. The rulers had control of the ports and spice trade and ran their kingdom from different seats of power. The title Zamorin appeared in the writings of Ibn Battuta in 1342. The sailor Vasco de Gama had landed on the shores and was received by the Zamorin Kings at his court to discuss spice trade. And all this information is available online. What happened to the Zamorin Kingship can be read. We have a Wikipedia page for reading up the history to the Zamorins, the link of which I am adding. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zamorin

Our ancestry is important, to form our foundation and to understand our basis. It has always impacted me as it had held me firm when I have to react to a certain situation. It is my link to my past and an answer to my questions of the future. It opens up exciting knowledge of my past. With social media and technology, these information of my ancestry and research of my heritage gets more support and validation. It makes me unique. It makes each of us unique.

I am an Erady by birth. Our surnames are quaint like Vellody, Nedungadi, Pisharody Erady and such. So, I am a Samoodri or Zamorin by my gene. Our ancestral homes are called ‘kovilakams’ and the ladies are referred with much reverence as ‘kovilammas’ or ‘thamburatty’. Dressed in gold and ‘kasavu sari’ they were ethnic beauties, I remember.

These words come with much adoration and respect even now. Surnames of men will show a ‘Raja’ or have a ‘Varma’ as a prefix, although the title has been renounced long back for example ‘Raja Ravi Varma’ the famous painter. Women were given high respect and controlled much of the finances as Zamorin were a matriarchal system.

During my school vacations we would travel to my ancestral home (tharavad) and then I would realize the difference. Jamshedpur, where I grew up and my home in the holidays, the grand parents home in Melattur were poles apart. Melattur has gained Instagram importance with the railway station and the surrounding pictures leaving people awestruck. Carpets of gulmohur flowers has converted this place to a photographers delight. My paternal grand mother, my uncles and aunts were loving and showered us with much love. The fun times with my cousins were epic and we had a proper drama and theater show on each summer vacation, which we scripted, directed and acted in. We bond even now and reminisce the golden days!

The Samantha’s ( Zamorins) are getting back together in a big way as a community again and were are spreading the word world wide. There is a Bengaluru chapter of Samantha Samaj and we are very active. We meet up as we did recently to celebrate ‘Onam’ last week. The ladies wing of the Samantha Samaj also spreads cheer by donations to the needy.

It is great to be going back to the past. It helps us to understand who we are, where we came from and helps us to take better decisions in the present. We are what we are because of our ancestors. As Indians we have worshipped them and sought blessings from them. We are going to carry this forward and become a part of someone’s ancestry soon. So, leave an impact on the sands of time, if possible.

I am a Zamorin. This is me… This is who I am!

SACRIFICIAL PROTECTION

When I got my Ph.D in Chemistry, my work, essentially, was for fabricating biosensors using advanced materials to detect antioxidants using electrochemical procedures. Electrochemistry is a robust technology used for several diagnostics and detection of molecules in nano-pico ranges. When I am teaching electrochemistry to students we encounter the term ‘sacrificial protection‘. It means that a metal is used to preferentially protect another metal incapable of protecting itself. In this blog I am not talking about my glories in my doctoral or academic career rather talking of sacrificial protection in humans. My blogs are written only and only if I feel deeply about some things which concern me and/ or are are influenced by my surroundings. I take time to foment (brew) the idea and then I let the words flow.

Good parenting is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to most. It does not mean protecting and overlooking the mistakes one has made in the journey called parenting. Having a very white mindset towards ones own child and a black, not even a gray mindset to the rest of the humanity is definitely not getting you set a good precedence in the ways of child upbringing. No child is bad and each one has his/her own journey to know, understand and improve oneself to become a better picture in ones own eyes. Lesser the parental interference in their lives, lesser the dominance of parents in the choices made by them in their lives, lesser the space occupied by the parents as they grow up, the better it is. Chanakya niti has also given the same suggestion that after child turns 15+ freedom should be given to the child, even at the cost of of him/her making mistakes. This must be because, the child will encounter people of all types and choices and we have to learn to respect that. Well meaning advice should be given and if the child follows it, the better.

You may see things happening around you and you have to learn to handle it in the best of your abilities without parents coming in to fight your battles. Then it becomes an uneven playing field.

Talking about uneven playing field, we can understand this scenario. When the parents of one child spread malicious gossip about the another child with an intent to harm the reputation deliberately, is a field which does more harm. With well meaning people around, it may not do much damage, and with some good intent the gossip could be curbed there itself. But if the person thrives on negativity and salacious malice, then there is no stopping. What is not possible, has not been seen by the gossiper, becomes something possible and has been seen by the ill meaning adult. It becomes the listeners prerogative to believe the person. I feel if I hear any derogatory things being said about someone, I would be guarded with the person as I am sure that the person can say something about me as well. I am sure you practice the same.

Rumor’s are created by people who are bored, upset with themselves, angry with their own life and also have much time to waste. Rumor’s are harmful and can rile up your emotions and you delve deep into it. And even if you get to know that it was wrong portrayal of a person, you can’t accept it as your head is deep into it. You are committed to the gossip! A hostile environment can cause much distress to the individual and cause lowered self esteem and suicidal thoughts. For example, an excellent sportsperson being labeled as an alcoholic, smoker etc. can hamper his reputation especially if the athlete is healthy and still into sports and doing really well for himself! Without even an ounce of proof, the gossipmonger has slashed into someone’s life. I can think of one reason and that is jealousy!

There are four types of parenting styles 1. Authoritarian, 2. Authoritative, 3. Permissive and 4. Negligent. You need to delve into some research papers to understand the difference between 1 and 2. The parenting skills should create an emotional strength in the child to cope up with situations created beyond ones control. If the parent has a habit to rush to protect the ward then this quotient is definitely missing in the upbringing. We can not be helicoptering our children. They have to be taught how to fight ones own battles, I repeat. Even a bird does not tie up the chicks feet to the nest, but allows them to fly. A teenager therefore should be given autonomy to make his/ her own decisions, engage in well meaning talks, not to poison the young minds with your opinion. This is because the child knows more than you want to accept. They will soon start understanding that parental influence could be the cause of souring relationships with others. They have a long journey to take. And relationships are going to be a part of it. Pretending to be ‘g’oogly-woogly-wosh’ in presence of some one special and having another attitude in presence of another will be seen through by people and can cause harm in preserving a relationship. That also is a trait parents unknowingly pass on to their wards. It can cause trouble in your child’s paradise. Being honest in your attitude with people will help your child to treat everyone better.

False information about someone with an intention to malign is not a good exercise. Gossiping in the long run effects our credibility, damages our self worth as the we look at the gossip crutch to be the reason for our happiness, existence and validation. Look at yourself to understand that bad-mouthing another is not acceptable to you. Harboring friends who gossip should make you see red flags.

Sacrificial protection is when you sacrifice some child not your own to the butchers knife to protect your own. This is not ideals of parenting. We need to be careful with the choice of words too. Some one, not well meaning, once told me that I am not a good parent. I agree to that and I have no problems in accepting the same. I cant pretend to be the best parent. I was told that I am uneducated by the same when I did not accept to get into an unnecessary war of words. That did not affect me at all as I have never accepted words from the mouth of a gossiper as gospel truth! I can fight my own battles with tenacity and calmness and I am sure my son can learn by seeing his mother. Fighting ones own demons with panaché is our forté.

So are you are applying sacrificial protection/parenting technique? I hope not.

OFFERINGS

I am writing after a long hiatus. I customarily write about topics that affect me and makes me think. I speak about them, I bring on a discussion even if it may not par on my side of thinking. I even may raise this up in a way that, if the situation needs action, I can volunteer for it, only so as to make it better. I have, in such situations not always come out unscathed.

I have noticed that many have a habit of plucking flowers, fruits etc. from public gardens while taking a walk. Very determinedly the person approaches the flowers, as if some magnetic energy is pulling him/ her towards it. The urge to pluck is overpowering and forceful. The enticing smell of the flowers has overwhelmed all coherent thoughts that it is not permissible to pluck. The view of the target ( in this case the flower or fruit) repudiates the bold writing on the notice placed strategically. It says ‘ DO NOT PLUCK FLOWERS OR FRUITS’. But what if no notice is written? Then is it free for all?

The flowers are plucked with a vengeance that you might only be lucky to see in the soap operas! I am neither fond of soap operas nor people who don’t care to abide by rules. One particular rule like following a queue is not to be followed by many. Getting in between a line at a bank or a lunch room, or cinema hall, and recently for voting, is annoying to say the least. Breaking a queue to reach some place faster, we see it commonly on roads, gets my goat and the entire herd with it. The offender is nonchalant and that make me feel offended as a citizen. The pleasure of doing wrong and having the gall to defend it is a another level in itself.

I therefore get into easy trouble if I try to prevent such happenings, if I am around to witness such circumventions of civic behavior. Especially if in the gardens, when I see people plucking flowers or fruits, I would not stop myself to request them not to! The beauty of the blossoms is meant for all to behold. Try plucking flowers in the Central Park, NY, USA and see the fun unfold. The same people when they travel to foreign land will abide by rules and try not to get into trouble. But I am sure the reign on such must be difficult as a leopard can but not change its spots.

I was told by my parents when I was a child, not to pluck flowers even in my own garden after dusk as plants are sleeping. But here, I see people doing the same even late at night! Some invisible force pulls them, and I rue the fate. When I personally request them to stop, the reply I always get is that these flowers are being plucked for the GODS! Really! For Devaru?

Pray tell me just one thing, are these flowers not made by God? Are these not owned by the GOD? We are giving him flowers from his own garden! I remember reading that Pujya Chimayananda Swamiji said that the mistake we do is that we go to the place of worship with fruits, flowers and more, giving the divine what is already his! Giving him what He has given us! It is owned by him! So what greatness are we going to achieve in giving Gods creations to God. If you genuinely want to give God something what is truly yours, give him your ego, because it is totally your creation. Are we up to that challenge?

We need to change our mindset to change our society. Let go of false head weight we carry. Let go of ego. We need to realize. Having said that, there are three types of realizations. One where we realize that I only exist, GOD doesn’t ( many are still stuck there due to harboring false notions of ones greatness, are you here?). Second both I and GOD exists (this is probably where most are, are you here?) and the third is where I don’t exist, GOD exists. Realization of ones real self is the last that is the third stage. When the light of knowledge is obstructed, shadow of ego is born says an essay in Vedantavani.

I remember Makhan Lal Chaturvedi’s poem ” Pushp ki Abhilalsha” which I read in school. The poet says that the flower does not desire to be used as a garland, nor on the crowns of kings or their corpses’. The flower has no desire to be offered to Gods. The rest is better said by the illustrious poet himself…

चाह नहीं, देवों के सिर परचढ़ूँ भाग्य पर इठलाऊँ

मुझे तोड़ लेना वनमाली उस पथ पर देना तुम फेंक

मातृभूमि पर शीश चढ़ाने

जिस पर जावें वीर अनेक ।।

At the center of all problems lies-LIES

Weaning a child away from the parents takes a toll and is not an easy process for many. For the rest it just happens. For me it has had its ups and downs and miraculously I had untutored myself from the patterned psyche. How much freedom to give and how much to hold back was exacting on me and caused me to be at loggerheads with many veterans in parenting. Even now few of my decisions are carefully weighed and may not be spontaneous but many are; as I have learnt to trust my instinct and my son.

If one is truthful and straightforward in approaching any situation, the difficulties can be minimized. Because I feel that “at the center of all problem lies-LIES”. I have always been absolutely straightforward in my interactions with most people while for the rest I underplay. No harm to be safe. My son is known to be very honest and straightforward too. Unfortunately, he is just learning to tone down his honesty and not bring it upfront. His argument when I suggested this was that he only counters when he sees things much beyond his limit of sufferance. I can understand that. It is better to respond than react and he will learn it on the way. A reaction is automatic and only with time and practice we can transit to make it a response. As an adult he is far more simple, and a well rounded personality and I respect that. In the time of multi filters and beauty transformations for a selfie the life being lead is full of pretense. Pretentions will turn into a never ending cycle and this particular mouth will be forever hungry to be fed with more. I love the song by the singers called Platters “I am the great pretender( https://youtu.be/rwfmbXJEBtY). Amazing lyrics and singing!

June month end was hectic for us as he and his team mates, with the accompanying staff and a doctor left for Busan, South Korea for the 2nd World Karate-Do Championship 2023. Pravin and myself decided not to travel with Arjun and that he should learn travelling without us. He was always picture perfect with letting us know twice or thrice a day the developments. Face timing us mostly where ever free Wi-Fi was available. A parent told me that he is taking care of everyone and helping out too, which was a big compliment. 600 participants from 20 countries and he still won two medals in his maiden attempt was surprising to us! He said he could better it and that representing the country was itself a big achievement!

Emotional quotient (EQ) is rated far higher than intelligence quotient (IQ). Managing every situation with calmness and readily accepting changes and challenges makes you a better person. It is all about managing your own emotions. It speaks about selflessness and empathy you have. It sets you higher than 90% of people with equal or better IQ sets. It bring to the forefront your leadership qualities. Many of my friends wanted advise or behind the scene stories, as to how to build/ improve EQ for your child. And here I shall share a few of my methods.

We have allowed Arjun to make mistakes and have allowed myself to forgive him his mistakes. Learn to say sorry and forgive. Move on. Given him freedom to make choices which may not be good and I gave myself the freedom to not feel bad knowing that he may be realizing too late. I have allowed myself to maneuver my responses to him in such a way that he himself realizes his mistakes and does not repeat them. We don’t always run to protect him and he knows that we are standing firmly behind him incase he needs us. Given him enough resources to handle his own problems honestly. He always tells us where he going and with whom; {despite us not asking} and takes permission to do the same. Incase we are not happy and advise him against something, he explains his stand without throwing his opinion. This is better for general peace. We may have to give in sometimes, but like I said earlier, we allow him his mistakes. We have already told him what we will not compromise on and that our upbringing will not allow a few transgressions. He understands and works accordingly. We appreciate his understanding and he knows it.

Learn to give positive feedback from all negative you see or hear about your child. Let me tell you I have heard many and it does not unnerve me, because I understand my child better than anyone else ever will. The child will start to respect your opinion and become more honest with you. Make him self aware. Self awareness of his core strengths is important. Most people think they are aware but as research has proved 95% actually aren’t. Social awareness is also a part of EQ. It helps you to understand the dynamics of the people you are interacting with. It is not about you having many friends who sponge off you but it is about understanding the perspective of another and knowing to cut down on unnecessary communication and connect with empathy even during tough conversations. We should walk the talk at home and when interacting with others. Children observe and emulate.

Like I said earlier honesty in our interactions, doing away with pretense will help because “at the center of all problem lies-LIES”.

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Mother’s day is everyday

Mother’s day came and went, as a silent subterfuge. I am sure everyday should be mother’s day. We never celebrated mother’s day in my times, since God knows when times, nor father’s day. We respected, obeyed and believed in them unconditionally. Even if they had conditions placed, such as you get a 90% and above , you get to buy a few dresses from your favorite shop, buy sandals from Bata that you have been eyeing when window shopping, or eat at a good restaurant you were thinking about in your dreams. That is it! By the way getting a 90% was crazy then, not easy at all… getting a 60% was like having won a national election! A college seat was assured. “Mera beta/beti first division mei pass hua/hui hai” was the proud claims then! Nowadays every other person has a 90% and more and still away from reaching the goals set by themselves or by their parents. The competition is savage! The race is cutthroat! The college seats get filled like hot scones and till then the parents and children are kept on tender hooks. I know of parents who still hold a lot of sway, in these modern times. With resolute yet silent persuasion the child is conditioned to choose subject not of any interest to them, appear for exams which he/she is not ready for. In a few cases, like mine, my son has refused to follow the charted path and we had to accept it, nay not without debate!

Mother’s learn to accept faster, is my feeling. Yet we do not like to blindly accept. That is the irony of the times. Most parents I know are highly educated and do not want their children to fall or fail. But isn’t that the biggest teacher? Many a times as teacher, I had advised the parents that they should not worry too much, let the life take it easy. But as a mother, I conveniently forgot the same advise. I worry each day, despite knowing all is well and if not- all will be well ultimately. Nature is great and my nurture is great too. Both will work towards the best possible combination.

Mother’s and father’s need to take care of themselves too. Need to take care of their health and more. We give ourselves completely to the task of parenting and later when the children have flown the nest, have an empty coup syndrome to manage. Many of my friends are reinventing themselves 7 to 10 years before retiring. Getting a new charter ready before retirement is a great idea! I intend to follow suit. I need to continue challenging myself and do something different. Keeping positively busy will help me.

With only adults in the home, keeping out of each others path is easy, but when paths cross, not giving free advise is not! Todays young adults are masterpieces, truly, and are unabashedly truthful. They are also expert in camouflaging their intent, only not to hurt others. They have the will power to choose from a wide array of options, fail in their choices, rise like the proverbial phoenix from the ashes, speak their mind and reach the stars. They are a part of young India and are lucky to be born in the times to see the country prosper.

Having said that, I was surprised to see a WA message by my son wishing me a happy mother’s day. The social media doesn’t allow you to forget I think. I had not been regular with Facebook and I have only just a cursory presence in Instagram. So, I had no clue till the message. When I called my son back, to thank him for the message, he said this that actually everyday should be mother’s day/ father’s day. The social media forces you to do things, and so the message was sent just incase. I felt that at least he understands what is correct and that was enough for me! This time the paths did not cross with an intent of advising. Nature and nurture both were in tandem.